S A FE T Y F IR S T

In the event of fire, you must:
- ring 999;
- walk safely and do not stop to pick up belongings;
- climb into this random box of cables BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE THE SIGNS ARE. AAAARGH! WE'RE ALL GOING TO BURN!

DA NB R O WN

Photoshop is a useful tool. You can swap people's heads for chicken heads. You can pretend your cat is sitting on top of the Colosseum in Rome. You can write LOL on that piccie of your uncle falling off the clilff. However, this picture has not been doctored. It is the actual original name for Dan Brown's famous novel.
(I should have done the spine, but I'm rubbish at Photoshop.)

LU G G AG E

Manchester in the snow in December. The one with the big umbrella is thinking about the duck in the oven and whether that's too much to eat a day before Christmas day. The one without the umbrella is thinking OH CRAP WHY HAVEN'T I GOT AN UMBRELLA, MY FACE IS COLD MY FAAACE IS COOOLD!

H E RE A RE T HE HE A D L I NE S

Stop press. According to this odd little poster in the depths of Manchester Town Hall, there has been an outbreak of swine fever. It's not yet a hamdemic, but they are swilling people to take oinkment to curlytail any possible aporkalypse.

B O RI SJ OH N S O N

It's a wig, It's definitely a wig. I am sure it is a wig. Do you think it's a wig? I wonder if I pull it, it would turn out to be wig? I definitely think I suspect it's a wig. Let me check Wikipedia to see if it's a wig. No. My mistake. It's not a Whig. It's a Tory.

C HE F

This is what a bookseller sees from the place where he sells books. There are essential things a bookseller needs. (1) A book to read; (2) Beer; (3) A bunch of famous chefs in the background. That's famous as in "good at cooking" not "good at being on the telly".

P RO T EC T ED

Here is a man. He is frightened his ears will be eaten by monsters. He is frightened his eyes will be eaten by monsters. But he is prepared. He is wearing monster-repelling ear protectors and he is wearing monster-repelling eye protectors. Such a shame his legs have been chewed to a stringy pulp.

MO U N T AI N S UN

Any moment now, God or the Honey Monster or whatever deity you believe in is going to smash his great big face into this massive pile of flour. He will nuzzle and sneeze and splutter until he most definitely, truly has that chocolate button between his godly teeth. And they are very white teeth because all deities brush three times a day.

E Y EB R O W

You know Eyebrow Cottage, yeah? Just past Elbow Lane. Yeah? Turn left after Septum Mews, yeah, but if you hit Alimentary Canal with the Tibia And Spleen pub on the corner, you've got too far. Yeah? Yeah, you know Eyebrow Cottage.

SU N D O WN

The sunflower is depressed. It is thinking about last night. It shouldn't have had the shots: should have just stuck to the lager. It doesn't know how it got home. This morning, it has a vague sense of unease about where its life is going.