S W IM MI N G PO OL

Arial photograph. Holiday resort. Swimming pool. Slime water. Tree people. Sap cocktails. Bird waiters. A wooden bliss. Leaf bikinis fall off in winter. Many people arrested.

VA N S

Little Danny Doherty performed a curious stagger-run past the alarms and smashed glass of Oldham Street, a wheel nestled on each shoulder and the exhaust digging into the small of his back

BL O BS Y ER UN C L E

This fatotograf is the third fatotograf in a row to be taken on a tabletop. I may work my way around the house. Top of fridge. Top of wardrobe. Top of sink. Top of bed. Top of water running out of tap. Top of drying washing. Top of heat rising from disappointing spag bol. Top of telly channel taken from next door's signal.

S TR I N GB I RD

Wark wark wark wark. WARK. Wark wark wark wark wark wark wark. WARK WARK WARK. Wark wark wark wark wark. Wark WARK. Wark WARK. Wark wark WARK. Thank you for that, Kenny, now back in your cage.

2 05 0 0 50 10 0

This fatotograf shows real money. The stuff in your wallet? Those are the fake ones. Sorry about that. You may want to dig out that Monopoly set.

TH E C RO C K ET TS

This television only shows: A Bit Of Fry And Laurie; Midsomer Murders; Crosswits; SMTV; Learn With Sooty; Beadles About; The Real McCoy; Kavanagh QC; No Job For A Lady; Chef!; Driving School; Soccer AM; porn.

M I C E

and then i wouldn't eat the custard and teacher was like you've got to have your custard if you're going to eat the pie then you should have the custard and i was like i'm not too sure about yellow food and to be honest i'm not so good with red food either like tomatoes and peppers and strawberry starburst although my mate jan the one from geography class she likes them hey where are you going please come back i haven't finished telling you about the food thing

MY P R I NC E

How's it coming along? I'm sitting as still as I can. You're going to make me look beautiful, right? Is my dress too revealing? My eyeliner matches. Do you see? Have you noticed? My eyeliner and my dress match. Is it going to be in colour? My cheeks aren't too red, are they? OH SHUT UP, WART-FACE.

W IN D OW LI G HT

Dear diary. No. Hello diary. No. Hiya diary. Too informal. Greetings diary. No. Bonjour le journal. This is getting silly. How do you do diary. To my diary. Dearest diary. Diary my love. My sweet sweet diary. No. To whom it may concern. That'll do.

H A N GS

Jimmy never quite made it. To be honest, by the time he'd got half way along, he'd forgotten his reason for crawling to the end of the hash pipe anyway. We can't get him off. Grip of death. Almost as if he was addicted to that hash pipe, somehow. Poor Jimmy.

M RU N I CO R N

What can we learn from this fatotograf? Toilet doors are the new books. That is what we have learned from this fatotograf. It is possibly the only thing we have learned from this fatotograf.

ST I TC HED

Bread knife. Bread knife. It was definitely a bread knife. No, I think it was a penknife. You're both mad. I know about these things; I'm a butcher. And I reckon it was a slice of pork. A really sharp slice of pork.