F AT O T O GR A F

S W IM MI N G PO OL

2011-08-24T23:21:00.000+01:00

Arial photograph. Holiday resort. Swimming pool. Slime water. Tree people. Sap cocktails. Bird waiters. A wooden bliss. Leaf bikinis fall off in winter. Many people arrested.

VA N S

2011-08-22T07:20:00.000+01:00

Little Danny Doherty performed a curious stagger-run past the alarms and smashed glass of Oldham Street, a wheel nestled on each shoulder and the exhaust digging into the small of his back

BL O BS Y ER UN C L E

2011-08-19T10:02:00.000+01:00

This fatotograf is the third fatotograf in a row to be taken on a tabletop. I may work my way around the house. Top of fridge. Top of wardrobe. Top of sink. Top of bed. Top of water running out of tap. Top of drying washing. Top of heat rising from disappointing spag bol. Top of telly channel taken from next door's signal.

S TR I N GB I RD

2011-08-17T07:52:00.000+01:00

Wark wark wark wark. WARK. Wark wark wark wark wark wark wark. WARK WARK WARK. Wark wark wark wark wark. Wark WARK. Wark WARK. Wark wark WARK. Thank you for that, Kenny, now back in your cage.

2 05 0 0 50 10 0

2011-08-15T11:30:00.000+01:00

This fatotograf shows real money. The stuff in your wallet? Those are the fake ones. Sorry about that. You may want to dig out that Monopoly set.

TH E C RO C K ET TS

2011-08-13T08:50:00.000+01:00

This television only shows: A Bit Of Fry And Laurie; Midsomer Murders; Crosswits; SMTV; Learn With Sooty; Beadles About; The Real McCoy; Kavanagh QC; No Job For A Lady; Chef!; Driving School; Soccer AM; porn.

M I C E

2011-08-11T09:51:00.000+01:00

and then i wouldn't eat the custard and teacher was like you've got to have your custard if you're going to eat the pie then you should have the custard and i was like i'm not too sure about yellow food and to be honest i'm not so good with red food either like tomatoes and peppers and strawberry starburst although my mate jan the one from geography class she likes them hey where are you going please come back i haven't finished telling you about the food thing

MY P R I NC E

2011-08-09T09:17:00.000+01:00

How's it coming along? I'm sitting as still as I can. You're going to make me look beautiful, right? Is my dress too revealing? My eyeliner matches. Do you see? Have you noticed? My eyeliner and my dress match. Is it going to be in colour? My cheeks aren't too red, are they? OH SHUT UP, WART-FACE.

W IN D OW LI G HT

2011-08-08T08:29:00.000+01:00

Dear diary. No. Hello diary. No. Hiya diary. Too informal. Greetings diary. No. Bonjour le journal. This is getting silly. How do you do diary. To my diary. Dearest diary. Diary my love. My sweet sweet diary. No. To whom it may concern. That'll do.

H A N GS

2011-08-07T11:37:00.000+01:00

Jimmy never quite made it. To be honest, by the time he'd got half way along, he'd forgotten his reason for crawling to the end of the hash pipe anyway. We can't get him off. Grip of death. Almost as if he was addicted to that hash pipe, somehow. Poor Jimmy.

M RU N I CO R N

2011-08-06T10:42:00.000+01:00

What can we learn from this fatotograf? Toilet doors are the new books. That is what we have learned from this fatotograf. It is possibly the only thing we have learned from this fatotograf.

ST I TC HED

2011-08-05T09:12:00.000+01:00

Bread knife. Bread knife. It was definitely a bread knife. No, I think it was a penknife. You're both mad. I know about these things; I'm a butcher. And I reckon it was a slice of pork. A really sharp slice of pork.

B OWL OF HE A RT S

2011-05-05T22:39:00.000+01:00

"Every time he said he hated me, I ate another Love Heart. The bowl is full: we've been very close recently. We hold each other; we make games out of the chores. Friends comment on how happy we are. I miss the sweet chemical tang, though. So I've been flirting with other people and letting him do all the housework. The bowl is emptying. It tastes good."

R A AA A A AA A A A A A AR !

2010-02-24T20:13:00.000Z

Since Tigger split from Winnie The Pooh, he hasn't been the same. The good-natured bear has gone on to have a series of crunk singles sell millions of copies and he now lives in a mansion entirely made from honey. But Tigger grew old and bitter, his stripes faded, and now he definitely, definitely does not like having his picture taken.

MA V IE EN R O SE

2010-02-21T22:28:00.003Z

This is my special chair. It's where I do all my thinking. I make plans and I think of long words and dream of being on top of a mountain. It's where I apply my eyeliner. I am a star when I sit on my special chair.

SA R AH GO ES TO T HE P U B

2010-02-18T22:25:00.001Z

This is not a fatotograf. It is a cartoonafat. It features my friend Sarah who used to have pigtails and now has a baby. She does not eat people. Well, not people that matter anyway.

N I GH TS A FE

2010-02-15T22:21:00.000Z

Has anyone got the keys? Seriously. I can't find the keys. I'm sure I put them here somewhere. I'd check down the back of the sofa, but I sliced it up and put it inside these bags. Now I have to stand up all the time. I wish I had the keys.

S C H OO L DA YS

2010-02-12T22:16:00.001Z

Children shouldn't smoke. Cigarettes are probably okay, but give them a pipe and after a day, they've gone and burst it.

LI G H T S

2010-02-08T22:16:00.000Z

These are my spotlights. I am illuminated. I radiate to others. This is my moment of fame. My fifteen minutes. The stage is mine. The audience is rapt. Yet I have nothing to say. I hesitate. I stutter. It is hot. I wither under the lights. I cannot act. I shouldn't be on stage. I should, however, be able to get a starring role in My Hero.

N OT T O B ES NI F F ED A T

2010-02-01T15:16:00.000Z

A song written by Driver Drive Faster's Peet Earnshaw and experimental composer Charlie Usher. It looks simple enough to play. This is going on ebay for at least 14 pence if I can somehow steal it off them.

S A FE T Y F IR S T

2010-01-29T15:13:00.000Z

In the event of fire, you must:
- ring 999;
- walk safely and do not stop to pick up belongings;
- climb into this random box of cables BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE THE SIGNS ARE. AAAARGH! WE'RE ALL GOING TO BURN!

DA NB R O WN

2010-01-26T15:08:00.000Z

Photoshop is a useful tool. You can swap people's heads for chicken heads. You can pretend your cat is sitting on top of the Colosseum in Rome. You can write LOL on that piccie of your uncle falling off the clilff. However, this picture has not been doctored. It is the actual original name for Dan Brown's famous novel.
(I should have done the spine, but I'm rubbish at Photoshop.)

LU G G AG E

2010-01-23T15:04:00.000Z

Manchester in the snow in December. The one with the big umbrella is thinking about the duck in the oven and whether that's too much to eat a day before Christmas day. The one without the umbrella is thinking OH CRAP WHY HAVEN'T I GOT AN UMBRELLA, MY FACE IS COLD MY FAAACE IS COOOLD!

H E RE A RE T HE HE A D L I NE S

2010-01-20T15:58:00.000Z

Stop press. According to this odd little poster in the depths of Manchester Town Hall, there has been an outbreak of swine fever. It's not yet a hamdemic, but they are swilling people to take oinkment to curlytail any possible aporkalypse.

B O RI SJ OH N S O N

2010-01-17T15:53:00.000Z

It's a wig, It's definitely a wig. I am sure it is a wig. Do you think it's a wig? I wonder if I pull it, it would turn out to be wig? I definitely think I suspect it's a wig. Let me check Wikipedia to see if it's a wig. No. My mistake. It's not a Whig. It's a Tory.

C HE F

2010-01-14T15:48:00.000Z

This is what a bookseller sees from the place where he sells books. There are essential things a bookseller needs. (1) A book to read; (2) Beer; (3) A bunch of famous chefs in the background. That's famous as in "good at cooking" not "good at being on the telly".

P RO T EC T ED

2010-01-11T15:43:00.000Z

Here is a man. He is frightened his ears will be eaten by monsters. He is frightened his eyes will be eaten by monsters. But he is prepared. He is wearing monster-repelling ear protectors and he is wearing monster-repelling eye protectors. Such a shame his legs have been chewed to a stringy pulp.

MO U N T AI N S UN

2010-01-08T15:40:00.000Z

Any moment now, God or the Honey Monster or whatever deity you believe in is going to smash his great big face into this massive pile of flour. He will nuzzle and sneeze and splutter until he most definitely, truly has that chocolate button between his godly teeth. And they are very white teeth because all deities brush three times a day.

E Y EB R O W

2010-01-06T07:09:00.000Z

You know Eyebrow Cottage, yeah? Just past Elbow Lane. Yeah? Turn left after Septum Mews, yeah, but if you hit Alimentary Canal with the Tibia And Spleen pub on the corner, you've got too far. Yeah? Yeah, you know Eyebrow Cottage.

SU N D O WN

2010-01-02T20:00:00.000Z

The sunflower is depressed. It is thinking about last night. It shouldn't have had the shots: should have just stuck to the lager. It doesn't know how it got home. This morning, it has a vague sense of unease about where its life is going.

F A D E O UT

2009-12-30T20:00:00.000Z

All things will fade. The sun, it will fade. The moon and the stars, they will fade. Our friendships, one day they will fade. Love will fade. But the music? The music won't fade. Look at those levels. They ain't moving for any bugger.

O HL O R D

2009-12-27T20:00:00.000Z

This is the Manchester United stadium. Can you hear the people in the Manchester United stadium? They're singing. They are singing "kumbaya my lord, kumbaya, oh lord, kumbaya". They are so happy. After the match, they will light a bonfire.

X M AS L IG H T S

2009-12-25T20:00:00.000Z

Happy glowing Christmas. I don't think these presents are meant to be glowing like that. They could just be hot.

YE L L OW P A TC H

2009-12-21T21:34:00.000Z

What's a snowman's favourite comedian? Eddie Blizzard. This fatotograf shows that, if you zoom in on snow really closely, it's actually yellow. Yellow like wee, yellow like Merseyside bus stops and yellow like not purple.

I H AV E AD R EA M

2009-12-17T20:00:00.000Z

Don't be racist. Don't wear blue and red shirts, but most of all don't be racist. Remember Martin Luther King? He had some nice shirts. He made a speech once. Don't laugh at black people on the other side of the red line. That's what Martin Luther King said.

C H RI S TM A R S E

2009-12-14T11:38:00.000Z

See the fat Santa at Manchester Town Hall? This is what his toilet bowl can see when Santa has a Santa poo. He cleans the toilet bowl with Toilet Turkey, which is like Toilet Duck, only less greasy and a bit more seasonal.

IN S T R U C T I O N S

2008-04-04T18:47:00.000+01:00

This fatotograf requires that you insert a 3D piece. Refunds will not be given for anyone inserting pieces from the fourth dimension or beyond.

U N DE R C O N S T R UC T I O N

2008-03-22T11:49:00.000Z

See that? That's your house, that is. You hide in there watching the third Lord Of The Rings film over and over again, hoping each time that it'll get better, but it never does. It just goes on and on and on, in your shabby little house.

P L A ST I C I D E

2008-03-13T22:20:00.000Z

Someone call the police. I found this two dimensional person hacked to pieces and dumped behind a fence. I may have to give this fatotograf, as evidence, to the boys in blue (and yellow and red).

G O D OT

2008-03-10T02:09:00.000Z

In this fatotograf, there is a tree, a rock, boots and a hat. Two men just left. They seem disappointed that some bloke hasn't arrived yet. They should have got him to specify morning or afternoon.

B O O K S EL L E R

2008-03-07T15:49:00.000Z

This is me. When i take a fatotograf, i make the world appear exactly the same as it already is, just with an extra fatotograf in it.